


Nice

by skyeward



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-26
Updated: 2013-05-26
Packaged: 2017-12-13 01:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/818233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyeward/pseuds/skyeward
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I need you to stop being so nice to me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nice

Thing is, Shepard…I need you to stop being nice to me.

Seriously.

I appreciate it and all, but I am crazy in love with you and I need you to stop treating me so nicely so I can quit that shit. I know you’re not teasing me, but sometimes you _say_  these things and I just wonder like what if there’s some kind of hidden meaning or agenda and you feel the same way? But then later reality sinks in and I remember that it’s never going to happen and I just…honestly sometimes it almost brings me to tears.

And I’ve tried pushing you away a little, tried putting some distance (a lot of distance, as much distance as I physically can) between us, but you’re my  _friend_ , you were my friend before I ever fell in love with you, and I can’t just  _not talk to you_. I think I would shrivel up and die. And it sucks and it hurts and it would probably be a lot healthier for me to cut you out of my life completely and let myself heal, but I just can’t. I just fucking can’t, okay? I love you. Am I torturing myself, being near you and never with you forever and ever? Maybe. No, not maybe. Yes.

Yes, I am torturing myself, opening the same wounds over and over, because it fucking  _hurts_  when I watch you find happiness with someone else but I keep watching. I don’t  _want_  it to hurt - it makes me feel like an asshole because if I love you, I’m supposed to wish happiness upon you, right? And I do, I swear I do! I want all the goddamn happiness in the galaxy to find its way to you, but if you don’t mind…I’m going to be happy for you from a distance, okay?

I think it would be better if we were strangers, or if you hated or were indifferent towards me. It would be easier, at least. I hate that I resent the people you love, I hate that I feel like I could come to resent you as well. I like being your friend, I don’t want to push these feelings onto you. Is this how those angry ‘friend-zoned’ dudebros feel? Maybe. I am not entitled to have you (or anyone or anything that I want) just because I want you, but I think enough years of this and I could really come to hate you because why don’t you love me. I really, desperately don’t want to go there - I don’t want my feelings to sour and sink and turn. So I think I should stay away from you.

To be perfectly honest I could probably sooner ‘stay away from’ an arm or a leg, though. Those can be replaced or compensated for, but you…you’re irreplaceable. And I’m sorry that I have these feelings and I’m sorry that I’m throwing them out here for the world to read, but maybe if I can get them out of me, if I can draw them out and cut them off, they’ll die and then everything will be okay again. I don’t want to want you, but I don’t know how to stop.

And every step I take towards being myself feels like a step away from you, leaving me caught in the middle between knowing this is what I want from my life and knowing that I’m smothering even the tiniest, weakest, most remote chance that you and I could ever be something. That’s a good thing, right? I’m supposed to want to move us apart. It doesn’t feel like a good thing. But I can’t sacrifice myself, the person I could (should) be, for the vague hope that someday you’ll look up and suddenly realize that I’ve loved you for so fucking long that I’m dying inside. Maybe that means I don’t love you enough. I hope so.


End file.
